I Miss Joy

This was a bit of joy.. my dad captured
this photo of me flying. 

I miss joy.... I miss just flying for flying's sake. Flying to go somewhere. Flying without worrying about PTS specs, or what to say and how to say it to teach properly. Flying to have fun, being safe and occasionally demonstrating some real skill.

I've been working so long at this, at becoming a Certificated Flight Instructor. I don't even want to admit how long it's been. I've received all of the required training. As usual my CFI says I'll be great at the oral portion of the ride. As usual the question is will I put it together on the flight. This time is a bit different though, this time, while I know I can perform all of the maneuvers to spec - while teaching them no less - I'm not sure I will. I haven't seemed to be able to put a solid string of good flying days together, at least that's the way I feel. I do have good days, but then it seems I always have a bad one that sets me back again emotionally. Without a string of good days without the setback that I don't know how I'll be willing / able to face another check ride. I don't know how to create that string... I thought I had conquered my habit of beating myself up. I guess I haven't.

CFI has no suggestions for me. All he said today is he knows I'm not going to magically change the way I handle setbacks between now and whenever. So I'll just have to get over it.  Husband says, "not this again." That's it. To make matters worse, I really do believe, now, that I'll make a pretty good, maybe even great some day, flight instructor. So close and yet so far. I'm alone with no plan.

I don't know how to continue and I don't know how to quit. But I sure miss joy.

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Update the next day. I slept on it... or I should say, didn't sleep on it... and I've come up with a plan. I'm going to forgive myself when I make mistakes and move on. I'm calling the way I handled my last "bad flight" a mistake. I'm working on forgiving myself and moving on. Hope that works.